So to start off, we apologize for “breaking one of the rules” from the get-go. This movie is a bit higher rated on iMDB (5.3 / 10) than what we intend for this drunken series but, with a title like “The VelociPastor”, we just couldn’t resist. 🤪
Also I personally want to add that my sarcasm seems to run rampant and my language filter turns off when I drink. So we may have a few adult words in this review. I was about to call them NSFW words but every place I’ve worked use these gems quite often. You be warned, matey. Arrr.
But we did follow the rules in terms of drinking. I started with one bottle of Guinness Extra Stout in hand (with many more at the ready, just in case.) Our executive producer, Becky, decided to go through this movie without any libations and I personally question her sanity.
This disclaimer is the first thing you see of the movie and really sets the schlock pace of the film. Within the first 3 minutes of the film, we meet our Holy Hero and see his epic hero’s beginning unfold with the death of his parents (in a BRILLIANT display of special effects) and sent on a quest to discover his faith in God by his priestly mentor at Priest College (all while drowning his sorrows with the sacramental wine, I might add). We are treated with some lovely over-the-top acting and the flick lets us know that it does not take itself seriously. It KNOWS exactly what it is.
Our hero is Pastor Doug Jones, I believe named after the versatile actor Doug Jones who has played every creature known to man and beyond; a fitting foreshadowing of things to come. Not to give to much away but he travels to China (which looks a lot like the woods from The Walking Dead minus the zombies) and witnesses a woman fall at his feet with an arrow in her chest, holding aloft a nifty looking giant tooth in the air. After our insightful hero asks if she is hurt, she hands him the tooth and tells him to destroy it. But because she speaks this in Chinese, he doesn’t understand and dutifully takes it off her hands. Then, as if my magic, she learns English and mutters “Dragon Warrior” before falling into that Great Slumber (she died). Suddenly, the woman’s killer shows up and Pastor Doug starts to run away and cuts his hand with the Dino-tooth, causing him to start having hallucinations and falls down a hill.
Now what the fuck dragons have to do with dinosaurs is beyond me, but hey, I’m almost done with my drink so I’m rolling with it.
Pastor Doug then starts to have nightmares and an insatiable hunger. As he runs outside for air, we are introduced to Carol, a pre-med-law student / prostitute with a heart of gold. She gets attacked in the park at night just about when Doug has his first transformation into Mr. Velociraptor. We only get glimpses of the Dynamic Dino but the costuming is FUCKING EPIC. Imagine if your 10-year old kid put on a production of Jurassic Park with paper mache, some watered down ketchup and some growls sounds and you have a fantastic idea on how this looks. Anyway, after he saves her, she takes the whole “holy man magically transforming into a ferocious dinosaur and eating people” thing in ridiculously cool stride and convinces him to take up the fight against evil doers, one claw at a time.
Now I don’t want to give away anymore of this film but rest assured, we are introduced to ninjas, a red-hatted pimp, some holy Kung fu, and a bad ass end fight sequence. Well, maybe NOT bad ass, but I was laughing my bad ass off while it was going on.
If you like B-movies, this film is perfect for you. The fact that it doesn’t take itself serious and makes painful strides to remind you of this over and over makes this film fun to watch. Of course, it is dancing around in the Realm of Ridiculousness, but with the title of “The VelociPastor”, you are pretty much asking for it.
And a couple of drinks can help. They sure did for me.