Nickflix Drunk Movie Review – Troll 2

*This review may contain spoilers (or cliff notes, depending on your point of view) and most certainly profanity. Reader discretion is advised.*

Before we get into the nitty-gritty, I’d like to give you a little backstory on this review. After the first review, the editor-in-chief for Late To The Game came up to me and said “Nick, you are so devilishly funny! That review was amazing! Now I’d like you to see the worst movie ever made in the history of ever – so we can see the full barometer of the reviews!!” (Ok, so maybe he didn’t say every tiny little syllable, no. But basically he said that, yeah. Basically.)
I then brought the request to my executive producer, Becky. She looked at be dumbfounded and replied “no thank you” before sauntering off to watch something fabulous, like the news or whatever. I was on my own. My son had just recently seen the movie on Amazon Prime and told me I would need at least a couple of drinks to get through this (how the hell he knows how many drinks ANYONE needs is beyond me). So I prepared myself and got ready to watch it. But wait! The movie was no longer on Prime!! I now have to PAY to watch this drek?!?! FUCK THAT! 😩
Well I asked my executive producer for help. She was able to find the movie on Cinemax for free and also decided to take one for the team and watch it with me. She’s a real trooper.

Ok, now that the preamble is over, here are the quick rules to the Nickflix Drunken Movie Reviews. Basically I review really crappy B, C & D movies while drinking. The more drinks I have, the higher the rating (higher is not better necessarily). The rating system is between 1 to 5 drinks, Now on to our feature presentation: Troll 2.

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So I was warned by many people how bad this movie was so, like any good boy with Irish blood in his veins, I took a shot of whiskey BEFORE the movie. You know, to set the mood. So we are already one drink down. I prepped another drink and started the film. Within the first few minutes of the film, we see one Grandpa Seth telling his grandson, 10-ish year old Joshua Waits, a really shitty messed up fairy tale story with goblins that look like Ewok suits that got mutilated in a trash compactor and the hero getting fooled into drinking some green sludge by a fair maiden (who was a goblin in disguise). Suddenly the door opens and Josh’s mom comes in and tells him to go to bed. We then realize that Grandpa is dead and his ghost was reading him the story. She then painstakingly explains to us who all the members of the family are like she was reading a grocery list and then tells poor Josh to “banish him from your mind”. Mrs. Waits, if we could only do so with this entire movie.

Then, in the next 20 minutes, we discover that Mr. Waits has enlisted his clan to do a “family switcheroo” where they switch places with a farming family in the middle of nowhere for a week. The daughter, Holly, is a typical 80’s teenager whose crazy about her boyfriend, Elliott (who still runs around with his posse of 3 buddies, even when he sneaks into her bedroom.) The Waits family grabs their gear and heads to the desolate town of Nilbog (not even fucking kidding) where everyone is creepy and hiding behind wooden planks. Elliott and his entourage follow in their camper and park outside of town, in hopes of meeting cute girls. In Nilbog. Yeah.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “Nick, are any of these characters likable? Do they have any redeeming qualities?” Hold on, lemme finish drink 3 and I’ll let you know.

No.

Long story short, we discover that Nilbog is the home of GOBLINS! 😳 (Enter shocked face here). This evil Quasi-Druidic witch in the forest has been luring people and making them eat old green Jello in order to turn into plants so her goblin minions could thrive. We have a scene where Joshua pees on food given to his family in order for them not to eat it (after Ghost Grandpa Seth freezes time so he can….yeah that wasn’t a typo). We have another scene where one of Elliot’s buddies gets caught by the witch and turns into a tree (and then she takes a chainsaw and chops him up for a chlorophyll shake to give to another buddy). And another scene where the Druid Witch Creedence Leonore Gielgud, who uses the “Stonehenge Magic Stone” to give the goblins power, also uses it to restore her chopped off hand (by super-ghost Grandpa) and manages to get it manicured in the process.

There is so much madness all over the place with this flick. All the acting was wooden to the point of petrification. All the actors involved answered a random casting call, expecting to be extras, and were cast as the leads instead. Dad Waits was a dentist. The store clerk was a mental patient on a day-pass. The actor who played Joshua even made a documentary called Best Worst Movie in order to get some closure from this funhouse of pain. And you can rest assured no trolls were hurt in this picture…BECAUSE THERE WEREN’T ANY!! After looking into the film’s backstory, this was originally going to be called Goblins but the distribution company thought it would fair better riding the coattails of the movie Troll. Somehow, I think it worked, in a way nobody predicted. Lastly, and this just cracks me up, the premise of the story supposedly stemmed from the director’s wife, who had such distain for all of her friends who went vegetarian. Instead of just making NEW friends, she helped bring us this.

(takes a large chug of Nilbog Milk) Thanks for that.

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CONCLUSION

If you are bored, tired of movies with plots that make sense, dislike decent acting, could care less about good dialog, and need something to remind you that you too can make a film and have someone distribute it, I still wouldn’t recommend this. Try a terrible Uwe Boll film. This was beyond horrible. My executive producer had to cut me off like a heartbroken college boy at a bar after being dumped. I know there are peeps out there that LOVE the “so bad its good” films and you probably would enjoy this train wreck through Green Goblin’s Home Town but there are so many better shitty films out there. Like 3-Headed Shark from SciFi.

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